Processing Insanity
Or at least trying to...
I had a deeply unsettling incident happen today. After a deeply unsettling week.
I met a guy a couple of weeks ago while I was walking along the river. He had a little dog with him and asked if I knew where any good spots to access the river were. A beach-type area. Said he just moved here. Works a lot. Union. Plumber.
I knew the perfect spot and told him I was about to head back that way and could show him where it is. He agreed and walked with me. We talked along the way. He felt like an old friend and before we parted ways, he offered me his number. I took it and texted him later and we hung out again the next day. Just an hour. Met at the beach and enjoyed good vibes and good company once again. His little dog was a handful and almost swam directly into the fast-moving part of the river. Felt like having a small, hyperactive kid with us as we couldn’t take our eyes off of her or else she would find danger.
That was the day before I went to Seattle.
He knew I was driving up there. We kept in touch while I was gone. But I hadn’t really heard much from him this week. I also did not reach out. Mostly because I came back from my trip feeling deflated, irritated, and restless. And grumpy. Really grumpy.
The drive back was a painful reminder that I can’t stay in this liminal space I have been in for much longer. Spending my days finding quiet places to calm my nervous system down so I can function like a normal person is not getting me closer to anything. I’m working so hard just to stay in the same place and I am TIRED.
Went to my favorite park after I got back on Monday, which seemed unusually empty—even for a Monday. I was excited about that because of how bad my mood was and how bad I wanted to be alone in that moment. But my excitement turned to horror when a minivan almost crashed into my car.
The minivan came from the trailhead entrance parking lot that sits below the loop that wraps around the meadow. I was parked along that loop, right at the point where it meets up with the main road that leads to the trailhead entrance. I was on my laptop, in my car with the windows rolled down when the minivan came out of the trailhead parking lot. The guy driving it was screaming, then pushed down hard on the gas pedal only to slam on the brakes immediately after. The passenger door was open. I’m not sure how it didnt slam shut with all of that sudden stopping and starting. He was inching closer to the loop entrance when he gave the gas pedal one last violent push. He was in the loop now, maybe four feet from my car at best. If he didnt turn his wheel immediately, my car was going to get hit. My heart was racing. My freeze trauma response kicked in. I sat there, frozen and helpless.
He started, stopped, screamed, and scared me as much as whoever was sitting beside him. But amazingly, he turned his wheel at the last second. He lurched up the one way loop in the proper direction for a few feet then stopped parallel to me, now on the other side of the v-shaped point of the loop, still screaming at his girl. But now I could see two tiny, terrified faces in the back. We locked eyes and I felt their fear flood my body. I felt my own childhood fear in that moment. I had an angry mom who acted just like the guy driving. Still does at times, even in her old age.
I felt so sad for them. And for me.
Then the guy kept driving up the loop. I watched for them to pull around it but he never did so I got out and walked over to the meadow to see where they went. He was parked in the little parking area just beside the meadow entrance. He was still yelling but now the girl was out of the car and he was yelling for her to get back in it. I wanted to go grab her and pull her to safety, but didn’t know how to do so without escalating the situation. Plus the kids were still in the car. They needed to be safe too. So I walked around the meadow and went back to my car and went to find the park ranger. Didn’t take me long and he immediately went and found them but the guy sped off as soon as he saw the ranger coming. I saw him drive past me, still screaming at his girl and now endangering everyone on the road as he blew down the mountain at a high rate of speed.
I still feel so bad for those kids. And the girl. Sucks to be so broken that abuse is something you simply endure. I know this all too well because I was that girl. I was that girl because I was also those kids and when you grow up with monsters who love you, you grow up learning to love monsters.
Self-love changed everything for me; I am sad I didn’t learn how to do it until much later in life.
The residual of that day stuck with me for the rest of the week. But I also had other things to pile on it. Like more car troubles to fix. Which will undoubtedly cost more than I have to fix them. And snapping at a recruiter who did not read my resume closely. He asked about a gap on it that didn’t exist. The supposed gap was clearly accounted for, but regardless, I handled that call poorly, which is not like me. Stress has some noticeable effects.
But despite the blah I felt all week, I found myself feeling better today. I handled my car repair taking longer than expected well, and felt like the universe rewarded me for that by having my new friend reach out and invite me to go check out some food truck friday thing. I told him my car was in the shop at the moment and he offered to pick me up. I texted him the address of the park by my mom’s house and met him there.
He brought his little dog. She has a whole lot of energy and relatively no chill despite being an absolute sweetheart. She was having the time of her life pulling him along like she was a pit bull and not a tiny taco bell dog.
It got a bit sketchier in the crowd. That many people packed into one place makes walking a tiny dog a bit dangerous. He picked her up and carried her for a bit. I could tell he was a bit stressed out by the whole situation when he mentioned he should have brought the backpack he sometimes carries her in. It is a special one made for hiking. It would have been perfect for this occassion.
She was quite a handful who made sitting down to eat the spiciest gyros ever a bit tough. We left as soon as we finished. We didnt stay long because he has to get up super early for another 12 hr shift tomorrow.
We were walking back to his car when his dog got off her leash and ran towards a goose that was walking by the river. It was a flurry of commotion as my new friend tried to get his crazy little dog back on her leash and away from the goose. In the midst of all this, some young girl, probably 25 tops, said something rude while looking right at me. I honestly did not hear hear but knew she was talking to me so I asked what she said and she replied “You heard me dumb bitch” to which I replied “Oh wow! Somebody is in a spicy mood”. She spewed more hateful, vile garbage at me while walking away in her bra top and super tight jeans. I told her that whatever her problem was, I hope she gets help. Because she clearly needs it.
She kept talking big shit as she was leaving, and kept looking back at us as we walked on after collecting the dog. Me and my new friend both decided she had issues and did not engage with her further. She was clearly leaking her bad energy out onto whoever would absorb it and it wasn’t going to be us. She had a friend with her that wasn’t saying much but was smiling at her evilness leaking out. Ugliness in human form, both of them. The inner kind of ugly, which is the worst. It leaves that ick feeling deep in your soul when you have the misfortune of crossing paths with such vile people.
So when we got to the end of the street and they went right, I felt a sigh of relief leave me. We turned left and headed around a curve to where we had to cross another street to get to his car. By the time we needed to cross, a few cars were coming from both directions. The cars coming from behind us were closer, so those were the ones we were looking at. We waited for them to pass but got waved at to cross the street by a white SUV that was at the front of the line. We waved it on but the woman in it insisted we cross. So we did. Because we couldn’t see who was driving it.
UNTIL THE CRAZY BITCH ALMOST RAN OVER US!
That’s right: that same vile young woman who was cursing me out and calling me vile names floored it and almost took me, him, and his little hyperactive chaos agent out. All because the little dog ran after a goose. And I asked her what she said when she strted talking shit about it.
What in the actual fuck is wrong with people?!
This is why I avoid people like the plague. Most of you are neutral. A few of you are actually pretty awesome. But too many of you are absolutely batshit crazy and man… I am tired. I just don’t have the capacity for asshole humans.
So yeah. Pretty traumatized. This week was not my best. Ready to get my car back and escape to nature again. Because fuck people.
